The tortured musician

I mentioned in my first blog about the emotional impact being a musician has. Without doubt there is so much joy to being a musician and it's plain for everyone to see when a musician is in the bliss zone, surrounded by friends all speaking the same artistic language. There is also the unbeatable sense of pride when you hear the final mixes of a studio recording that you are playing on and better still, if you had a hand in writing that piece of music, the birth of a creation and you are a critical element.

There is also the other, darker side that some people will find hard to understand. I've had moments where I felt like putting the guitar back in its case, sliding it under the bed to be forgotten, all because I couldn't find the last chord in a really good chord sequence and it is more infuriating that I can describe. Then there is the big one....I've given my life to playing music ever since I played air guitar in front of a mirror in my mum and dads house listening to 'Hollywood Nights' by Bob Seger in the hope that one day I'll be a rock star, I wanted to be the best guitarist on the planet.....the thing is, you never ever reach the end, you never achieve that goal as, in my case, each time I achieve one goal that I set myself previously I subconsciously move the goal posts and then create another goal that is much much further away from where I am at that point. It's the source of any musicians torture, each time you write a piece of music you have just improved by a small amount and then already you look back at that newly created piece of music and see opportunities to improve on it and in turn learn a bit more, the cycle goes on and on and on..... In the case of So & So both Shaun and I have often said that we'd love to re-record some of the older albums, as we are much better musicians and players now, but we both know that it would never end.

I was once asked in an interview a long time ago what makes me tick as a musician, what drives me? My answer surprised even me when it fell out of mouth as I'm not normally good in interviews,

"Like any music fan I have loads of records and CD's at home and even when surrounded by all this music there are times when I can't find the right album to listen to as it doesn't yet exist, so it's my need to create it". 

As much as I'm really proud of that, it carries with it the weight of being emotionally attached to each song I write and if anyone dislikes it, it hurts in the same way as if someone insulted a person I care about. Thom Yorke said that when he heard the final mix of 'There There' he cried his eyes out as all that musical anguish spilled out in order to create what he considers his best song. In truth that is why some bands take so long recording music, each note is placed there because it's the right note at the right time for it, you keep going until you find it and it's my belief that this is why certain albums are timeless and others vanish from peoples thoughts.